I am a shell of the person I was just months ago.
in 5 months I have managed to un-do what was left of 4 years of agonizing hard work, missed opportunities, and essentially punishment.
I no longer fit into any of the clothing in my closet (not even my standy-by “fat clothes”). I can’t even run a half mile without stopping. I can’t lift half of what I could months ago. I haven’t worn any clothing outside of sweat pants in probably 6 weeks. I no longer enjoy anything. I sit on my ass and hate my job and then i sit on my ass and hate school.
The only time I’m happy is when I’m eating, which ultimately makes me unhappy because I can’t enjoy my goddamn life because being fat is wrong and immoral, apparently. I’m just so over all of this. I hate answering to a bunch of people I don’t know who judge me when I make posts like this or people who judge me when they see me in public. I hate feeling like I “can’t” do anything because it would be “bad” if I enjoyed drinks and dinner with friends, or brunch with family because food is my enemy.
I don’t know this is disorganized and pointless. i’m just upset. I just want to be able to get dressed and have a life not try to plan hours of workouts, food prep, etc. into my already suffocatingly busy life. Things would be so much easier if I could just go somewhere and disappear. Fall off the grid. no more school, no more job, no more answering to people whose opinions I don’t give a fuck about. Maybe then I’d lose some weight because I wouldn’t be so fucking stressed out all the time.
Is it too much to ask to want to eat a meal and not have a panic attack about its contents or spend the next 20 minutes trying to figure out how many calories I just ate? I can’t even focus on just eating “clean” and preparing my own food because determining nutritional content for foods I prepare is a giant pain in the ass so then I just don’t do it. AGH I just want to scream and throw things.